Emotional confidence isn’t about having no fear and being able to do anything – it is more about having a base self-belief (self-esteem) upon which starter and smarter confidence can be built.
Ultimately, it is the ability to be aware of one’s own needs, the needs of others, being able to show empathy, knowing when to speak out and when to support – and even when to show vulnerability. How can emotional confidence be honed – and how can it be a boon in the workplace?
Previously, I’ve talked about respect for the SBL role and what I believed were the blockers in the sector. I’ve encouraged you all to keep talking, shout when necessary and be persistent.
Now I know that sometimes, this is easier said than done. Especially if you are an SBL who doesn’t get a chance to show how much you can make a difference because you are not allowed to or you are limited within your context.
If you’ve ever worked with me or heard me speak at a conference, then you’ll know that my own experiences as an SBL were tough. I was young, unqualified and working with established leaders who had no idea of the value that a quality SBL could add to the organisation. I had to make up a lot of ground fast!
The strategies I used (besides gaining as much knowledge as quickly as I could!) involved looking at how I perceived myself, how I wanted others to perceive me and what I could do to bridge that gap.
For those SBLs who are feeling low in confidence and wondering how they can break the cycle and move forward, here are some ways you can shift your mindset, become the SBL you know you truly are and show others why you deserve to be valued, recognised and celebrated.
Decide what kind of SBL you want to be
Visualise yourself unfiltered, unafraid and unlimited. What does that look like? Now ask yourself why you feel that you are not able to be these things. Consider the 5 SBL Tools for Demonstrating Impact and Recognition in my article here. Are any of these areas holding you back? Why do you think that is and more importantly, what are you doing about it? We often behave in accordance with the way that we believe that we are, not the way in which we wish to be. How would this super-SBL version of yourself act in difficult situations, dealing with staff or leading a meeting? Identify what those behaviours are and articulate them clearly so you have concrete goals to work towards. Leave the ‘if only…’ at the door and show up ‘as if’ you’re already there.
Question your inner critic
What we believe is actually not a belief – in our mind, it has become fact. This narrative is what is known as ‘negative self-talk’. Write down all the reasons that you believe that you are not able or allowed to be the SBL you want to be and ask yourself what evidence you have to support that.
For example, you’d like to be an SBL who speaks up in meetings. But you don’t. Why? Because when you speak up, you feel stupid and think people don’t care about what you have to say. Dig into this more. Why do you feel stupid? Are you going to say stupid things? (Of course not!) Or are you saying something eminently sensible but nobody cares? Ok. Hold on. Nobody cares? Really? You won’t know until you say it! And if they really, really don’t appear to – how can you make them care? How can you position your view or shape your argument to make sure that you get the attention of the people you’re speaking to?
Make decisions from a place of courage, not limitation
We make decisions every day – but the basis of our decision-making can inadvertently set us on the wrong path. Whether it’s because you’re buying into your inner critic or you’re responding automatically to how you feel other people see you or want you to behave, you can find your ‘negative self-talk’ turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, focus on making decisions based on the outcome you want to achieve. What do you need to do? What is the right thing to do? What do you need to get across? What is your main purpose? When you operate from a place of conviction and courage instead of fear, your confidence both in yourself and your abilities will blossom.
Set boundaries
Stop trying to please people. I say this as a recovering people-pleaser! We think that if we say yes to everything and no to nothing, then we can prove our worth. Actually, all we’ll achieve is accumulating a to-do list that not even the most talented productivity expert could untangle! There is power in saying ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ or ‘it will have to wait’. The more you can establish those boundaries, the more in control you will feel and the more confident you will be. Saying no doesn’t make you appear unhelpful or unapproachable – especially when we’re operating with conviction and courage in relation to ‘what is the right thing to do?’ and ‘what is my purpose’? Saying no helps you to come across as assured, assertive and in control.
Ditch perfectionism
It’s easy to believe that if something isn’t perfect then it has no value. Wait – believe…? Yes, perfectionism is a limiting belief that we accept as fact (see point 2). Who said that less than perfect wasn’t good enough? Time pressures often mean that as SBLs, we don’t get to finish things off as neatly as we’d like or to present them as perfectly as we’d like. You know what? That’s ok. Because often, the standards we set for ourselves are much higher than anybody else’s. Sometimes good, is good enough. And that is just fine.
Demonstrate confidence
You and I both know that you can do this job. You know what you’re doing, you know what needs to be done and you know what you should be doing to make it happen. So do it! Confidence is triggered by intention. Tell people what you’re doing, what you’ll achieve and when you’ll achieve it by. Then get it done. By demonstrating confidence and your ability to achieve, you gain credibility – which in turn, breeds more confidence! When you talk confidently, you inspire others to have confidence in you.
Toot your own horn
When you have achieved something amazing, contributed to a major project or saved your organisation from a crisis, make it your mission to point it out. Remind people of what you have done and what you can do in order for them to see you as a credible leader and contributor to the success of the team. Often, the people around us don’t know what it is that we do or don’t understand the impact that we have on our schools. By sharing your successes, you explicitly demonstrate both the value that you provide and the confidence that you have in your ability to deliver. Recently on Twitter, SBLs have been talking about their ‘ta-da’ lists instead of their ‘to-do’ lists. Sprinkle those ‘ta-da’ tasks all over your school!
As credibility is earned, not given – confidence comes from within. For people to see the value that we add, we have to see the value within ourselves. It does get tough when we think that people don’t want to listen to us or care about what we do. But you care about what you do; you have a unique skillset that your school needs. So you give it to them with all you’ve got! The rest will follow.
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Written for: EdExec Magazine
